Since I have been writing for 36 straight hours on the new Cross Timbers Women's blog I needed a refreshingly masculine post title. So, thanks to my neighbor and only male blog pal, Todd Mead, I sort of plagiarized his. (Todd, I hope this shameless link to your site will indicate my gratitude.)
I referenced my "disturbance in the force" in a previous post about my struggle to believe God is good in a world that really, really, really isn't.
The day my first son was born, a new something was also born in me. I don't know if every mother feels the way I did, or if I am especially neurotic. I just know that along with a deep, aching love, was an oppressive fear of losing it.
I don't think any mother can properly put into words the way she feels about her children. It is a consuming, furious, intoxicating river plunging straight through her heart. Mine terrified me. My very soul left my body and transposed into a tiny baby boy, naked and vulnerable. I was paralyzed by the thought of anything hurting him.
Almost two years later, my worst nightmare became a reality for a friend of mine. There are things that I wish I didn't even know could happen. Things that take a long time to heal and things for which heaven itself may be the only balm. The pain of seeing a family suffer in the most cruel way was too much for me to bear. I no longer believed God was good or even that He was at all. I sunk my claws deep into the idol of my child and turned my arrogant back on Him.
I've gone through the motions for a couple of years because frankly, I know them well and it is easier than admitting my anger. I made myself comfortable in this place for a long time.
Now I have reached a paradox. It seems the one thing I am hiding from is the one thing I know my boys need more than safety, more than happiness, more than life.
More than me.
I want them to know God. My God. My God that is especially fond of me. Finding my way back takes more trust, more grace, and more faith than I ever wanted to give. Before, my faith was unwittingly based on an expectation of security. Now who knows? Nothing is certain. I have no more answers than I had before. I guess I'm just finally OK with that.
So God, here I am.
Posts
5 weeks ago
Andi, I must say i love it, I know i say that all the time to you and how shallow it must seem. That is the road I feel He has just brought me through this past winter. winter was really winter for me. But, the one thing I carried out (no new answers but a fresh new trust) That He is at the helm in my life and fully aware of all things surrounding me. I thank you in advance for your honesty. It is only through that, that I think we begin to grow. He is going to use your heart to reach the multitudes for Him. (PS He has given you have a gift with words)
ReplyDeleteHonestly...at a loss for words...just want to hug your neck so the tears will stop(from my eyes). I will be praying that God will continue to show up in a REAL way in your life and that you will fall in love with Him all over again.
ReplyDeletemmm, you're in for a whole new journey. His healing balm leads to a place that only the healed can run. You'll need good shoes for where you're going with him becuase it's going to be an exciting journey.
ReplyDeleteBTW...I want to borrow The Shack when you can spare it for a couple of days!
ReplyDeleteI have so been there. I have come to the place where Isaiah 55:8-9 brings me peace.
ReplyDeleteNicely put! kudos to you! Without disturbances in the force, there is no growth. Our God is a God that handles those burdens that we see as "too much". He is faithful.....
ReplyDeletethis post gave me goosebumps. i can only begin to know of the love you speak of for your children ... however, i know all too well the path that feels empty and quiet. i am really enjoying getting to know you better (is that weird to say - enjoying getting to know someone? does that mean there are times i don't like getting to know people ... i digress) i'm looking forward to the days to come :)
ReplyDeleteAndi, that is beautiful. It's impossible to understand why things happen the way they do, and I just have to remind myself constantly that God promises to hold our hands no matter what.
ReplyDeletep.s...click on your link to Todd Mead in your post. Something weird pops up which I am confident is NOT Todd's. ;)
Oops! Thanks Gena - fixed it ;-)
ReplyDeleteThere is more faith required in not knowing what's ahead than expecting everything to go your way. When I read this I have to say I was sad, can't really articulate why. It reminds me of the feeling I am plagued with when I watch as my children grow and some of their innocence is lost. I try so hard to create a perfect, hurt free life for them but frankly that just ain't how it works. But as I grow, I am so thankful that when they are hurt they have God to turn to for comfort. The alternative is lonely, cold and dark. I guess what I am saying is that as Christians we may experience things that are gut wrenching but we are never alone. I can't tell you how many times people have told me I am praying for you or you are in my thoughts....that, to me, is God letting me know I am not alone. I can't imagine my life without that. I don't always understand why or what is going on in my life but without God.....I really can't imagine.
ReplyDeleteI SO know where you are right now. It's really a good place---a place where you don't have to know, just be.
ReplyDeleteKeep being His. It's good.
God is good....even when it doesn't seem like it. (A motto I've learned to live by).
Oh how is the shack coming and what is it about
ReplyDeleteChristi -- The Shack is read and pondered. I believe it will be one of the most influential works of our day. If you want a fresh picture of God, and are OK with artistic liscense, en-joy. I LOVED it. It has two themes: a man's journey through tragedy, and the personal nature of our God, a King and a friend. Blew me away.
ReplyDeleteSista i TOTALLY "feel" you right now! I LOVED the Shack it honestly, is STILL molding my thinking. I am fighting it on many levels. Dorian had ear surgery a couple of weeks ago and it was supposed to be this easy breezy thing and it just ISN'T. NO ONE knows your kids like you and there are NO WORDS to describe the longing, aches, and emotions wraped around their bodies. I keep waiting for it to get "easier" and Dorian is 13 and i STILL cry and have cried for 2 weeks for it to just be EASIER!!! He now has a staph infection....so THANK YOU for this post. You spoke my guts pretty well i must say! love ya girl!!!!~~Angela Garcia
ReplyDeleteWow Angela--
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Dorain has staph. That is not good. Is he in a lot of pain? Staph is just becoming so common. I hate it for you guys that an "easy" thing has become such a train wreck. I hope he feels better soon.